Quiet Like A Mouse: When Shame Gets into Leadership

September, 2026

It sneaks in almost unnoticed.

It hides under the furniture. It moves in the shadows. Then suddenly something streaks across the room and grown adults, people who negotiate contracts, manage millions of dollars and lead hundreds of people, are standing on chairs.

Amazing what one tiny mouse can do.

Shame works a little like that.

It is small, fast, elusive and surprisingly powerful. Most of us don’t like talking about it. In fact, we would prefer to talk about almost anything else.

Budgets? Okay.

Strategy & plans? Absolutely.

People and goals? Bring it on.

Shame may be one of the most corrosive forces in human life because it thrives in darkness. The less we name it, the more power it seems to gain.

And in leadership, shame rarely walks into the room wearing a name tag that says, “Hi, I’m shame.”

It disguises itself. It can look like defensiveness.

Control. Perfectionism. Indecision. Anger. Withdrawal. Overachievement.

Sometimes even confidence. That is what makes it dangerous.

Guilt says, “I did something wrong.” Shame whispers, “There is something wrong with me.”

That distinction matters enormously for leaders.

If I make a poor decision and believe, I got that wrong, I can learn, apologize, adjust and move forward.

But if somewhere deep inside I hear, I am a failure, the stakes suddenly become much higher. Now I am not simply protecting a decision.

I am protecting myself.

And leaders protecting themselves can do some strange things. We avoid conversations where we might be exposed.

We delay decisions because getting it wrong feels unbearable. We explain ourselves before anyone has finished giving us feedback. We control details that someone else could easily handle. We demand perfection because someone else’s mistake somehow feels like a reflection on us.

Or we simply disappear emotionally.

The mouse runs under the couch.

One of the great surprises about shame is that it can make capable leaders less courageous.

When the internal narrative is I’m not good enough, leadership slowly shifts from: “What is the right thing to do?” to: “What will keep me from looking bad?”

Those are very different questions.

One leads toward courage. The other leads toward self-protection.

And self-protection eventually shapes culture.

When shame rules the leader, mistakes become dangerous. People learn to hide problems, soften bad news and carefully read the room before telling the truth.

If the leader cannot tolerate being wrong, nobody else wants to be caught being wrong either.

Ironically, the leader’s attempt to protect themselves creates exactly what they fear most: distance, mistrust and isolation.

Teams become less honest. Innovation slows. Hard conversations get postponed. People stop taking healthy risks. Everyone gets better at protecting themselves.

 And eventually you have a room full of people pretending there is no mouse.

Shame also has another trick. Sometimes it doesn’t make leaders shrink. Sometimes it makes them bigger.

Louder. More controlling. More certain. More demanding.

What looks like arrogance can occasionally be insecurity wearing armour.

What looks like perfectionism may be fear of exposure.

What looks like control may be an attempt to make sure nothing happens that might reveal our inadequacy.

That doesn’t excuse unhealthy leadership. But it may explain some of it.

The work for leaders is not to eliminate shame completely. That probably isn’t realistic.

The work is to notice it before it starts driving. To become curious about our reactions.

Why did that feedback bother me so much?

Why do I need to control this?

Why am I avoiding that conversation?

Why does being wrong feel so threatening?

What am I afraid people might discover about me?

Shame loses power when we drag it into the light, name it and talk about it with trusted people.

The healthiest leaders are not people who have no insecurities. They are leaders who have become familiar enough with their own shadows that they don’t need everyone else to live in them.

Because shame makes for a difficult leader to follow.

And if there is going to be a mouse in the room, it is far better to know where it is than to spend your whole life standing on the furniture.

Todd Rutkowski

Read more reflections like “Quiet Like a Mouse: When Shame Gets Into Leadership" in my free ebook called “Lifelines.” Get Lifelines